Here's a tip for you. . .

Waiting on your last table is a high that can not be replaced. As I looked into the face of my final customer I had an overwhelming sense of fuck you I'm out!! Tossing my crusty unraveling apron into the Montrose Brown Line garbage, I felt myself grow an inch or two. It's not that waitressing is the worst job, because I assure you - you don't want me to do your taxes or pave your driveway, but it serves no real purpose. Not for me anyway. So, in light of my new change in careers I offer you mere non-serving mortals a few tips from behind the apron. . .

1.) Unless you are old enough to be my grandmother/father I am, in no situation, your "sweetie", "hun", "honey", or most importantly, I am not your wife so don't treat me like the dog who fetches for you. This bitch bites.
2.) When you or someone in your party is rude to the serving staff we don't spit on or "taint" your food- we ignore you and make everything painfully slower for you.
3.) If you do want to be messed with snap your fingers.
4.) It's not my job to fill your water glass- if you look around you might notice young men carrying pitchers full of water... they are called bus boys and they will get to you and give you more water because that is their job. That's why a portion of your tip to me goes to the bus boy.
5.) Don't request things from people who don't speak English and then get mad at me cause you didn't get more butter.
6.) show your appreciation with your money- I am not here because I like it, you are...
7.) It really isn't hard to be a waitress it's all about timing really.
8.) Get off your cell phone. It is SO RUDE to give the hold-on-a-second finger to the waitress
9.) Stop asking for separate checks. YOU do the math or put down your form of payment and I will split between them - If you can't afford to split evenly or you don't want to pay a little extra for a friend these are not really my problems are they then?
10.) I don't come into your office at ten till five and ask you to stay for an extra hour or two so don't go into a restaurant just before closing and expect good/complete service. You are an inconvenience to everyone and everyone hates you for being so inconsiderate.

There are so many many more but I guess those were a few I thought some of you out there might need to know. Jerks.